A note: this piece touches on trauma and past abuse without going into detail.
A few years back, my therapist told me, "Carey, I want you to have access to all of your time." She made this statement because I didn't have recollections of lots of periods and people in my life. Certain segments of memory were simply gone. I had recently taken a trip to my parents' and looked through an old yearbook and did not recognize myself as a child in the pictures. That was scary! What access I did have, I cloaked in shame, pride, avoidance, etc. There were parts of my life that held deep trauma that I didn't wanna touch — violence, excess, abuse, secrets I was unaware of that required an immense amount of energy for my mind and body to repress.
Something shifted a few years after her comment: Specters of Time started showing up uninvited in the early mornings, usually between 3–5 AM. During these moments, my body revolted with anxiety, panic, and avoidance. I would often get out of bed and try to literally move away from what I was experiencing. Sometimes I'd get on the floor and curl up (something I did as a kid), and other times I'd roll out my yoga mat and move my body. I needed a new perspective and a safe boundary.
Eventually, I came to realize this was gonna keep happening until I quit avoiding these sensations and stayed present with the discomfort. But when Specters of Time show up, they arrive violently, like Seal Team 6 knocking down the door — there's no way to know if you're being rescued, abducted, becoming collateral damage, or the target of an assassination. The chaos and darkness are terrifying and extremely dysregulating. It's very difficult to trust your body when its instincts are to fight, flee, or freeze.
In addition to these visits from Specters of Time, I've begun to dream a lot more. Places and characters from my life are oftentimes miscast in roles that reveal a deeper sorting out of my subconscious mind. In my most recent dreams, I've been the hero, the villain, the victim, the imposter, the scapegoat, and the snitch. And in the background, trauma's phantom presence has been lurking. I've avoided it so far. I'm not ready for the energy this encounter is going to require. My survival jiu-jitsu is strong, but like every martial art, it has limitations. I know this unclaimed block of time is coming for me, and I'll need to ride the wave of chaos that will follow once avoidance is no longer an option.
On the flip side of those experiences, the other day I took a nap and had a dream where all I did was look down at my phone. That might be the saddest dream I've ever had. Maybe that was a metaphor — my subconscious telling me to look up and face the unknown. Trauma, like being glued to our devices, can rob us of the potential of the present. If continually looking over my shoulder for an escape is the only alternative, bring on what I'm avoiding — I'm ready to turn and face it. Whatever is back there, I've gone through before and survived. I can do it again!