A note: this piece touches on trauma and past abuse without going into detail.

A few years back, my therapist told me, "Carey, I want you to have access to all of your time." She made this statement because I didn't have recollections of lots of periods and people in my life. Certain segments of memory were simply gone. I had recently taken a trip to my parents' and looked through an old yearbook and did not recognize myself as a child in the pictures. That was scary! What access I did have, I cloaked in shame, pride, avoidance, etc. There were parts of my life that held deep trauma that I didn't wanna touch — violence, excess, abuse, secrets I was unaware of that required an immense amount of energy for my mind and body to repress.

Something shifted a few years after her comment: Specters of Time started showing up uninvited in the early mornings, usually between 3–5 AM. During these moments, my body revolted with anxiety, panic, and avoidance. I would often get out of bed and try to literally move away from what I was experiencing. Sometimes I'd get on the floor and curl up (something I did as a kid), and other times I'd roll out my yoga mat and move my body. I needed a new perspective and a safe boundary.

Eventually, I came to realize this was gonna keep happening until I quit avoiding these sensations and stayed present with the discomfort. But when Specters of Time show up, they arrive violently, like Seal Team 6 knocking down the door — there's no way to know if you're being rescued, abducted, becoming collateral damage, or the target of an assassination. The chaos and darkness are terrifying and extremely dysregulating. It's very difficult to trust your body when its instincts are to fight, flee, or freeze.

In addition to these visits from Specters of Time, I've begun to dream a lot more. Places and characters from my life are oftentimes miscast in roles that reveal a deeper sorting out of my subconscious mind. In my most recent dreams, I've been the hero, the villain, the victim, the imposter, the scapegoat, and the snitch. And in the background, trauma's phantom presence has been lurking. I've avoided it so far. I'm not ready for the energy this encounter is going to require. My survival jiu-jitsu is strong, but like every martial art, it has limitations. I know this unclaimed block of time is coming for me, and I'll need to ride the wave of chaos that will follow once avoidance is no longer an option.

On the flip side of those experiences, the other day I took a nap and had a dream where all I did was look down at my phone. That might be the saddest dream I've ever had. Maybe that was a metaphor — my subconscious telling me to look up and face the unknown. Trauma, like being glued to our devices, can rob us of the potential of the present. If continually looking over my shoulder for an escape is the only alternative, bring on what I'm avoiding — I'm ready to turn and face it. Whatever is back there, I've gone through before and survived. I can do it again!

I like to use the image of a house when thinking about the construction of our bodies. Overtime, and with normal use, the structure of a house naturally changes. Maybe a little corner of the foundation settles and that in turn causes a crack or two in the ceiling here and there. If you go to renovate a part of this house, you will probably encounter walls that aren’t plumb and surfaces that are not level. More often than not, that’s okay, you simply work around it, and find relative level and relative plumb. The same is true with our bodies. My friend Kortni Campbell says, “We work with the body we have, not the one we aspire to have, or the one we had yesterday.” I couldn’t agree more.

Our body is the one home we will always have. Our bodies are unique, dynamic, and have normal wear and tear. In my opinion, moving from neutral is one of the most important concepts to discover in our movement practices. As in our house renovation example, neutral is relative to the individual. And sometimes it is relative to the day or even the minute. I will let the movement scientists argue the definition of true anatomical neutral over cups of coffee or on the Internet, but for our purposes, we’re simply trying to find efficiency through structure. Neutral is a dance between effort and ease and offers us a home base from which to explore.

Let’s use Mountain Pose as an example. My students are probably sick of me teaching Mountain Pose, but I feel like it is the cornerstone of any Postural Yoga practice. If you’re not familiar with this shape, or you don’t, practice Yoga, Mountain Pose is simply standing/sitting with structural awareness. It’s also a balance pose. I often say we are standing/sitting “with attention, not at attention.” Practiced this way, we are checking in with the body, not exerting our will over it. We become more aware of the relationship to both ourselves and the space around us.

Let’s deconstruct this shape for a minute. Our foundation begins in our feet. We first sense into the tripod of each foot. This space is the intersection of the arches and allows us to center our weight over a very stable structure. We might discover that our tendency is to take more weight toward the front of the feet and toes, or we may hold more weight to one side or the other, but most importantly, we explore and find our base. In doing so, we plug directly into our nervous system.

Next we move up to the knees. Are we locking our knees or do we have a bend in them? Are either of those things necessary for us to keep the weight balanced over our feet? Can we activate our legs a little bit or soften them a little to create more structure? Again, each student will have a different discovery.

We take our awareness up to the pelvis. I normally have my students do a pelvic tilt, tucking the tailbone under and then lifting the tailbone up. I tell them that somewhere in between those two extremes is neutral for them. I also encourage them to keep exploring and adjusting as they see fit. This way I allow them discover what feels the most stable for them and help them understand this process is dynamic. Subtle movement becomes a means to discover the sensation of neutral.

We continue working up to discover our next major movement junction, the shoulder girdle. A lot of times I will cue students to lift their chest, but some people get really rigid in their posture and then dump forward into their pelvis if I give that instruction. If I see that, or maybe as an alternate cue, I might say, “imagine someone is lifting you up by a few strands of your hair. Notice how that lifts your chest gently. Let your shoulders relax back and down. Imagine the shoulder pads on a football player, and like that, allow your shoulders to rest over the top of your upper spine.”

We then add our arms and hands to the shape. Incorporating the upper limbs gives the body a sense of wholeness. I give the students a chance to explore what hand or arm position offers them the most connection to both themselves and the space around them. Usually when I look around the room, there are people expressing multiple versions of the shape. There is no “one” way to practice. Yoga postures are concepts, not constructs. Sometimes we get too caught up and how they look and forget to be open to what they might be teaching us.

From here we go back down through the feet, revisit the knees, check in with the pelvis, check in with the chest and shoulders, and notice if we’re holding tension anywhere in the face or throat, or even the pelvic floor. We allow our breath to become a supportive component of the posture. One of the cool things about finding a relative neutral posture in our body, is that we create room for the breath to travel naturally with more ease.

As we explore other shapes or movements, I try to encourage my students to initiate action from a place of neutrality and support. A lot of the time in practice, and in life, we get in a hurry and forget to find our base before we move. A student gave me this feedback after a recent class, “It was helpful to focus on finding neutrality and keeping that awareness throughout the movement as opposed to rushing through without ever establishing it. The focus on finding physical neutrality drew the mind towards its natural equanimity.”

I challenge you to explore this concept in your practice this week–establish neutral and move from the awareness it offers. Whether you’re a Postural Yoga practitioner or someone who likes to garden or walk. Get curious about how you’re holding your body; establish your base and begin movement from there. It might mean you have to slow down a bit. But those pauses make space for the mind to become calm and your intentions more clear.